Ron and Condoms
by gothgirl865
Summary: Two shot. One day Ron is over at Hermione's house and finds condoms. He has no clue what they are. What I like to think is hilariousness ensues. Rated T for mentions of condoms and some sexual content. Nothing explicit!
1. Ron Finds Condoms

**AN: Hey guys, just a short, totally ridiculous idea I had. Let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any of its characters.**

One day, Ron and Mr. Weasley were over at the Granger's house. Mr. and Mrs. Granger were talking with Mr. Weasley in the other room, Ron was hanging out in Hermione's room, and Hermione was getting Cokes for her and Ron.

Bored, Ron decided to look through her bedside table, and see if there was anything interesting there. When he opened it, he saw a small black bag that said 'Condoms' on it in golden letters. Now, Ron was very confused, as he had no idea what a condom was, so he decided to go ask Hermione.

"Hey Hermione?" he called, walking into the Granger's living room. "What's a condom?"

Hermione immediately came dashing into the living room, and Mr. Granger got up, turning an almost Dursley-ish red (not that he would know what that looked like). "Hermione! What are you doing with condoms in your bedroom?"

Ron, of course, was totally confused, so he looked at Hermione for help, but she was busy trying to explain to her dad why she had this 'condom' thing. "Umm… my dad got them for Hermione for a parting gift when he last saw her at Kings Cross," Ron said, trying to take the blame off of Hermione.

Taking the hint, Mr. Weasley said, "Yes, I thought that Hermione could put them to good use."

By this point, Mr. Granger had turned absolutely purple, and was having trouble speaking through his rage, so Mrs. Granger took over. In a stiff voice she said "Ronald, Arthur, I think it's time that you left."

Utterly confused, the two shrugged and left the house to Apparate home.

After arriving home, Ron turned to his dad and said "Dad? What the hell is a condom?"

"I have no idea," Mr. Weasley muttered. "I'll have to find out more."

"I think they're a girl thing. Maybe we should get some for Ginny. Her birthday's coming up," Ron said, smiling.

"Yes, that sounds like a wonderful idea, Ron."

**AN: So? What did you think? I was going for humor but I don't think it came across too well. Please R & R, people!**


	2. Hermione Explains Condoms

_Hermione Explains Condoms_

**AN: It was very requested that I do a follow up to my one shot, **_**Ron and Condoms.**_** To that end, I have added another chapter with Hermione explaining to Ron what condoms are and how they are properly used. **

Ron was excited. Hermione was coming to visit him today at the Burrow. This was the first time he would be seeing her since he and his father had been requested to leave the Granger residence.

He was pretty confused about that to be honest. He really had no idea what a condom was, and why it had caused her father to turn bright purple. He was hoping that Hermione would be able to explain it to him.

Sitting on the couch in front of the fireplace, Ron gazed into the fire, hoping that Hermione would get there soon. Not two seconds later, the fire turned a bright shade of green and Hermione materialized in the luminescent flames before tumbling ungracefully onto the carpet.

"Hermione!" Ron cried, leaping up and pulling his girlfriend off the floor to give her a hello snog.

"Hello, Ron," said a distinctly pink and smiling Hermione. "I've missed you! But this was the first my father would let me come over here, ever since the – er – _Condom Incident._ Also I'm not allowed to be here unless your mother or father is here as well."

"Yes, Mom's out in the garden with Ginny, but why does that matter?" Ron was confused. Hermione's parents had never needed to make sure his parents were home before. Sensing Ron's confusion – or maybe just seeing his baffled face, Hermione said "Ron, do you know what condoms are?"

"Nope!" he said cheerfully. "But do you think you could maybe tell me? Because your dad seemed to get awfully upset when I mentioned them. And Dad and I figured they were a Muggle girl thing, so we got Ginny some for her birthday. You should have seen the look on Harry's face! He choked on the birthday cake so hard he nearly passed out. And he wouldn't explain them either! He kept turning red and stuttering at us." Ron looked distinctly put out that no one would tell him what these damn condoms were.

Hermione sunk onto the sofa, giggling at the mental image of The-Boy-Who-Lived being brought down by birthday cake. Ron sat down next to her, and proceeded to look intently at her, obviously waiting for an explanation.

Becoming serious, Hermione's face got the same look it did right before she spouted the textbook at a professor. "Well, condoms are a Muggle invention used for the prevention of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy. They're meant to be worn over a man's penis during sexual intercourse. When the man ejaculates, the semen is trapped in the end of it and prevented from entering the woman's vagina. This way, she can't catch any diseases the man might have, and she can't get pregnant," Hermione finished talking very fast.

Ron was confused again. He certainly wasn't stupid, but Hermione had been talking rather fast, and he wasn't always the best with big words.

Seeing Ron's confusion again, Hermione sighed and said "It's like the Muggle version of a contraceptive potion kind of. It stops a woman from getting pregnant or catching any diseases from her partner because it stops the man from cumming inside her."

Hermione was almost as red as Ron's hair by now. Taking her words in, Ron suddenly understood. His ears turned bright red, and he could barely look Hermione in the face.

Looking down at his lap he said, "Then were your parents angry because they thought we were having sex?"

Looking up through his eyelashes at Hermione he saw her nod a very tiny yes. "I told them we weren't though!"

At those words, Ron felt a twinge of disappointment. Ron wanted to have sex with Hermione! He thought she was beautiful and nice and kind and pretty. But her tone of voice suggested that there would be no sex in the immediate future.

He was jolted out of his depressing thoughts by a small hand on his thigh. He looked up to see Hermione smiling shyly at him. "How long will your mom be out in the garden?"

Ron grinned. "For at least another hour. She and Ginny are picking vegetables for dinner. Why?"

Hermione responded by standing up and reaching into her pocket. It emerged shaking the all too familiar little black bag with "Condoms" written on it. Turning around she said, "I'll be upstairs."

Hermione sashayed up the stairs, wiggling her hips in Ron's direction. Ron sat there appreciating the view. Once Hermione was out of sight, he broke out of his stupor and bounded up the stairs after her.

**AN: Again, I like to think this is humorous and somewhat romantic. Let me know! Also, if you want me to do any more installments don't hesitate to tell me in a review and I'll consider your request!**


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